The ‘Lost’ Years
I’ve always been a big talker, full of great ideas and loads of energy – I was great at drama at school, but I could never sit still or focus on my work. I’m a constant pacer and while people always like being around me and seem to enjoy my ‘walking banter’, I started to find it harder and harder to banter my way through life and be successful.
My main problem was sticking at and finishing things. While I did somehow manage to finish a course in journalism and did well off the back of a few good opportunities, I found the down time between big stories hard to manage. I was struggling to make a successful career of it. I developed unhealthy dependencies on alcohol and weed and spent countless hours playing video games. I couldn’t keep a relationship because I would forget arrangements I’d made, would turn up late and never had money to go out.
By the age of 35 I was broke, my career was dwindling, and I felt like a failure. I desperately wanted love, and a family, but everything just seemed always go wrong. My family didn’t understand me, and looking back, I realise I didn’t understand myself either.
The Clues
I did okay in school, but looking back there were definite signs that I did things differently to the other kids but my grades were always ‘ok’ so no one noticed. I was always in detention for not doing my homework, talking in class, forgetting PE Kit, losing my tie and I was always the one who ‘took it too far’ with the lads in the playground. Sometimes though, I could be brilliant. When I was really interested in something I could produce incredible results, but this almost made it harder for teachers to understand me – it made no sense to them that I was smart but didn’t do anything consistently. This carried on into adulthood – leaving tasks unfinished, missing deadlines, forgetting to pay bills, constant money issues but when motivated was able to write great articles. I was inconsistent, unreliable, and my whole family were confused about why I couldn’t just “get it together.”
A Diagnosis
When I met my now wife, she told me she had been diagnosed with ADHD and shared some articles with me. The symptoms read like a biography of my life. I went to my GP, realised I’d be waiting a long time to get an NHS assessment and booked a private one. Within a couple of weeks, I was conclusively diagnosed with Combined Type ADHD.
The relief was overwhelming. For the first time, I had an explanation of why I am the way I am. I wasn’t lazy. I wasn’t a failure. I have ADHD.
Rebuilding with Compassion
Following my diagnosis I really started to understand how my brain works and how to work with it and not against. I have learnt that the ‘typical’ way of doing things doesn’t always work for me and I have developed strategies to manage this – for example I work better later at night, so this is now when I do most of my writing rather than trying to make 9-5 work.
I learned to break tasks down into smaller steps and never write a To-Do list with more than three things on! I stopped trying to force myself into rigid schedules instead allowing myself to be flexible with my day. I read that exercise is really good for ADHD, so I started running in the morning. I became more patient with myself, stopped calling myself lazy and started to believe in myself more.
I joined online communities of adults with ADHD and felt seen and understood. I wasn’t alone. There were thousands of others like me – smart, capable, creative people who had spent years not understanding why everyone around them seemed to be winning at life when I just couldn’t get it together.
Meeting my wife and learning about ADHD has changed my life. She really understands me (no doubt it helped that I finally understand myself) we have a loving relationship, and I’m a proud to be a step-father to two fantastic kids. My career has gone from strength to strength – I decided to go freelance which allows me to focus on things I am interested in and work when I am most motivated. I no longer smoke weed and alcohol is saved for special occasions – I do still like to game but in moderation!
What I Wish I Knew Sooner
I wish I’d known that ADHD isn’t just high energy, hyperactivity and acting without thinking. Sometimes it looks like missed deadlines, broken relationships and losing your wallet for the 5th time that month!
I wish I’d known that I don’t have to change myself to fit in with others and that is ok to do things differently if it works for me. I sometimes feel sad about the years I lost not knowing myself properly, but I am also so grateful for the life I have now and recognise that some of my successes have been because of my ADHD brain!
I wish I’d known how to play to my strengths – I’m still not super organised, I’m not detail orientated and planning the family holiday is still tricky for me BUT I am great at thinking outside of the box, my energy and banter mean people easily warm to me and I am always curious – a great skill for a journalist!
I now know I just needed to live authentically, embrace my differences and be kind to myself. ADHD isn’t a fairytale every day but by accepting myself as I am I have rebuilt my life slowly, intentionally and with compassion.
More information
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